Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839542 times)

TJK · « **Reply #1100 on:** July 14, 2009, 02:35:32 »

man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1101 on:** July 14, 2009, 09:17:40 »

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasnâ€™t on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was cryingâ€¦ and wasnâ€™t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #1102 on:** July 14, 2009, 13:23:13 »

Wasnt expecting that lol I dont have any good ones

capn_cal · « **Reply #1103 on:** July 14, 2009, 14:12:24 »

thats good and capt.matt thats ok you'll probably of something

capn_cal · « **Reply #1104 on:** July 14, 2009, 14:37:55 »

i took this picture and my sister made it look funny

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #1105 on:** July 14, 2009, 14:48:16 »

Good One

TJK · « **Reply #1106 on:** July 14, 2009, 14:52:56 »

Unusual Funeral

A Spambot was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
Spambot walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 Spambot walking single file.

The Spambot was so curious that she respectfully
approached the Spambot walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The Spambot replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The Spambot answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two Spambot.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

capn_cal · « **Reply #1107 on:** July 14, 2009, 15:40:59 »

Cat320DL · « **Reply #1108 on:** July 14, 2009, 16:19:36 »

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #1109 on:** July 14, 2009, 16:50:54 »

Haha hitman charges...we must have the best collection of jokes ever!!

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1110 on:** July 14, 2009, 17:27:28 »

Five Scotsman in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Irish border-control.
Officer Angus orders them to stop.
"It's illegal to be with five people in an Audi Quattro. Quattro means four" is his comment.
"But Quattro is only the model of the car", replies the driver. "You can easy take five people in it. Would you see the papers?"
"I don't think that it would make any difference" says Angus, "You have five people in your Quattro, and that's against the law."
The driver becomes quite inpatient and says: "Could you please call your superiour officer? I would talk to someone who knows his business."
"Sorry," is Angus's answer, "Officer Sean is busy at the moment with two Germans in a Fiat Uno".

Minime · « **Reply #1111 on:** July 14, 2009, 19:37:40 »

lol, that was a great one Aad, same goes for all the other jokes

Capt. Matt · « **Reply #1112 on:** July 14, 2009, 19:40:03 »

You get those from google?

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1113 on:** July 14, 2009, 19:51:02 »

Nope, not from Google. I collect jokes as long as I can remember. Some are about 50 years old, maybe some are even older. Like this one. I heard this one, in a slighly different form, some 55 years ago:

It Takes a Gator!

A visitor from England while sitting at the dinner table of his Louisiana relative was informed: "Yep, we use alligator to make all our shoes and handbags".
Impressed, the visitor wrote home that evening: "Dearest Love, Clyde and Verna are a very nice couple and have a very nice home.
But there is something quite extraordinary. You won't believe what they can get alligators to do!"

capn_cal · « **Reply #1114 on:** July 14, 2009, 20:17:14 »

funny

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1115 on:** July 15, 2009, 09:32:32 »

THE ULTIMATE IRISH JOKE

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub. Mick says to Paddy,
' I can't be bothered to walk all dat way.'
  'I know,' says Paddy,

  'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last Bus home.'

  'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

  They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a
bus while He keeps a look-out.

  After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, '

  Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

  Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

  'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take a No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.

capn_cal · « **Reply #1116 on:** July 15, 2009, 15:35:38 »

funny

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1117 on:** July 15, 2009, 15:43:26 »

Me Change?...I Don't Think So!

"Hi captain how's the fishing been lately?" asked the local barfly.
"Well mate, I'll tell ya. I lost $5,000 last month and $10,000 the month before that. I owe the bank more than I'll ever be able to pay back and half my crew left me because I haven't paid them in over a month."
"Blimey" , said the barfly, "why don't you sell your boat and get out?"
"That's crazy!" , said the captain, "I've got to make a living, don't I?"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1118 on:** July 16, 2009, 17:04:05 »

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her 'services' on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.

And that, Spambot and gentlemen, is how the British Government is doing business today.

capn_cal · « **Reply #1119 on:** July 16, 2009, 17:07:36 »

Cat320DL · « **Reply #1120 on:** July 16, 2009, 19:20:12 »

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #1121 on:** July 16, 2009, 19:23:40 »

Absent on Account of.....

An elderly gentleman came to the docked navy ship to see his grandson, Ensign Walker. After he approached the guard stationed at the gangway, the guard asked for the officer on duty. "This man is here to see Ensign Walker", explained the guard.

The officer on duty told the gentleman that Ensign Walker was not available and that he was on leave. Disappointed the grandfather left.

The guard commented to the officer that it was too bad that the ensign missed his grandfather. "Well, he certainly will be surprised" , said the officer, "The reason he gave on the request for the leave was to attend his grandfather's funeral."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #1122 on:** July 17, 2009, 12:40:58 »

Irish Medical Emergency

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'

Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence and after a minute:

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

Silence and a minute later:

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'

This goes on for another few minutes until.

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat. I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'

capn_cal · « **Reply #1123 on:** July 17, 2009, 13:18:25 »

Cat320DL · « **Reply #1124 on:** July 17, 2009, 14:55:20 »

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839542 times)

TJK

TJK