Joke of the day

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[The Ferry Man]

 

lol
That was a good one Aad! 

[TerryRussell]

  Excellent one, Aad!


Q. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?


A. Dam!

[TerryRussell]

It's strange, isn't it?

If you stand in the middle of a library and scream 'aaaaagghhhh', everyone stares at you.

But if you do the same thing on an aeroplane, everyone joins in 

[CaptainMike1]

One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery.
A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night.
The fisherman accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk."

Ahoy Aad

That's one of the best!!

Mike

[Aad The Pirate]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".

[Minime]

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon:

With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then, finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He then sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a pleasant smile, "And, for our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: "Shall We Gather At the River".
LOL, that was a great one

[Aad The Pirate]

I love this Doctor!
Wonder where his office is....I'd schedule an appointment!!! Makes sense to me......

 
Q: Doctor,  I've heard that  cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your  heart is only good for so many  beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out  eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a  nap. 

Q: Should  I cut  down on meat and  eat more fruits and  vegetables?
A: You  must grasp  logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat  chicken.   Beef is also a good source  of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can  give you  100% of your recommended daily allowance of  vegetable  products.

Q: Should  I reduce my  alcohol intake? 
A:  No,  not at all.  Wine is made from  fruit.  Brandy is  distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of  the fruity bit so you  get even more of the goodness that  way.   Beer is also made out  of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How  can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well,  if you have a body and you have  fat, your ratio is one  to one.  If you have two bodies, your  ratio is two to  one, etc.

Q: What  are some of  the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise  program?
A: Can't  think of a single one, sorry.  My  philosophy is: No  Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't  fried  foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE  NOT  LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in  vegetable oil.  In fact,  they're permeated in it.  How could  getting more  vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will  sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around  the middle?
A: Definitely  not! When  you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You  should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa  beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is   swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for  your figure,   explain whales to  me.

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is  a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may   have had about  food   and diets.

And  remember:
'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body, but rather  to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride' 

AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the  truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat  and drink what you like.
Speaking  English is apparently what kills  you. 
 

[TerryRussell]

So, I will arrive worn out, but going "What a ride!". Must be OK, then.

***

A man went to his doctor and asked how he could live a long time.

The doctor said:

"Don't smoke".

"Don't drink alcohol".

"No tea, coffee, sweetened beverages or other flavoured drinks. Plain water only".

"No meat. Nothing with any strong taste. Just eat the blandest vegetables you can find. Turnips should be a major part of your intake".

"No butter. No margarines or other spreads".

"No excitement. Stay in a darkened room in quiet contemplation".

"Avoid the excitement of beautiful Spambot. Remain in that darkened room in quiet contemplation".

The man looked at his doctor and asked "So that will make me live a long time then?".

The doctor said "No. But it will certainly feel like it".

[CaptainMike1]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected  themselves with curry powder by mistake -  both are in intensive care... one  has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma

[TJK]

Here are one for me, i let you tube tell it for me

Sorry for this one, did not know watt the words means ed, i toot it was a innocent blond jock 

TJK

[dudwasup]

ive got a good joke here it is


john is taking mrs smith to court because she suposedly kicked his french bull dog after all the evidence is shown the judge makes his decision and finds mrs smith inicent john is very upset and asks the judge if he can call mrs smith a pig the judge says no john you will not speak like that in my court room john thinks for a second and then he asks the judge can i call a pig mrs smith and the judge says shure why not and jhon looks over at mrs smith and says good morning mrs smith

[Aad The Pirate]

Spambot are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often..

But push the wrong button and you're  disconnected for the rest of your life...

[TJK]

What Spambot say
And what they MEAN

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ARE YOU WILLING TO: This means you better do it.

FINE: This is the word Spambot use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a Spambot looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means "something" and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a Spambot has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a Spambot getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine", and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a Spambot can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead". At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A Spambot is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS: A Spambot is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "you're welcome".

THANKS A LOT: This is much different than "Thanks". A Spambot will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

[Aad The Pirate]

  L.M.S.O.

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

[CaptainMike1]

Don't talk to my parrot ...

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.'

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.
     

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!'                     
           
 'I MUST STRESS TO YOU:  DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied,'Get himSpike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

[Aad The Pirate]

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."   

[matt5674]

The people shouldn't swim in the water if there are gators or sharks.

[firestar12]

I don't get it...

[Capt. Matt]

IT WAS A MYSTERY AND HE TOLD HIM THE ENDING 
Took me a few times too

[firestar12]

I still don't get it. That wasn't mentioned in the (well...if you could call it a joke) joke.

[Aad The Pirate]

I still don't get it. That wasn't mentioned in the (well...if you could call it a joke) joke.

And we call Spambot with a certain color of hair dumb  
A tip is a small amount of money, given for an extra-ordinary service (in this case giving the guy a better place)as well as a hint.

[TerryRussell]

As in:

I took a taxi ride today in London.

When I got home, my wife asked "Did you give the cabby a tip?".

"Of course!", I replied. "I told him to back Mumma's Boy in the 2:30 at Epsom today." 

[Capt. Matt]

Here is one you should get if not...
OK three marines are going into the desert and they all bring supplies
1st brings guns and ammunition
2nd brings food and water
3rd brings a car door 
They are walking and then the 1st two ask why he brought a car door.
He replies simply "If it get's hot I can roll down the window" 
Corny...yes funny sure 

Ive been running out of jokes since they're all pretty much taken  
Enjoy
Matt 

[Aad The Pirate]

So that blind guy stumbled accidently into a 'Spambots only' bar. He orderd a drink and after a while he "said: "I know a good "Blonde" joke, shall I tell it?" One of the Spambot answerd: "Before You start I have to warn you. I'm 6 feet tall, weight about 150 pounds and I'm blonde. The Spambot after the counter is about my size and champion in Judo and she's blonde too. The one beside you is a wrestling champ and blonde, the one behind you has a black belt in karate and is blonde, and across the room is another blonde who is champion Kick Boxing and, off course, also blonde. So, will you still tell that Joke?"
After a second or so of total silence the guy said:"Not if I have to explain it five times" 

[CaptainMike1]

VERY funny Aad!!