Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839354 times)

capn_cal · « **Reply #625 on:** March 01, 2009, 00:54:43 »

hey guys check this out
*************
(i'm really sorry if this also disturbs you(and the swearing) but the first time i saw this(which was actually last night shown by my best friend) i laughed really hard)

Edited by Terry; Not acceptable. "Suitable for seven year olds" is the very definite rule here.

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #626 on:** March 01, 2009, 10:58:01 »

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #627 on:** March 01, 2009, 14:36:35 »

Who is a better friend to you? Your dog or your spouse?
Here is a test to find out.
1) Put your dog and your spouse together in the trunk of your car.
2) Close the trunk
3) One hour later open the trunk
Who show his/her happiness most to you? Thats your real best friend!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #628 on:** March 01, 2009, 16:55:51 »

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replies.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts.
"Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #629 on:** March 01, 2009, 18:16:01 »

Ha ha lol!

except I've heard a very simular joke on a famous british sitcom....

firestar12 · « **Reply #630 on:** March 01, 2009, 23:53:03 »

Quote from: Aad The Pirate on March 01, 2009, 23:52:12

No comment from my side

Hehe...there was perfectly good room next to the throttle!

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #631 on:** March 02, 2009, 11:09:54 »

A farmer's wife, who was rather stingy with her whisky, was giving her shepherd a drink. As she handed him his glass, she said it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the shepherd regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #632 on:** March 03, 2009, 16:12:19 »

I want to marry this girl

Dai, who had just turned 20, one day informed his father that he wanted to marry Mari the girl next door.
"I'm sorry, boyo," said his father, "but you can't marry her, you see as it happens she's your sister."
Dai was downcast but within a week he came back to see his father again.
"Dad", he said, "I've made up my mind to marry Morfydd."
"Isn't that the girl behind the counter in Morgan's dairy?" asked his father . . . and it turned out she was his sister too.
Gradually one after another the Spambot of the village were excluded from matrimonial alliance with Dai on the grounds of consanguinity until none was left.
One evening after the last girl had fallen under his father's interdict Dai was sitting in the front room looking sadly at the grate.
"What's wrong with you, Dai?" asked his mother, "girl trouble is it?"
"Yes, Mam," Dai replied, "every time I want to marry a girl, father makes out she's my sister."
"Oh, don't listen to that old fool", said his mother, "he's no relation of yours anyway."

RMSGreatBritain · « **Reply #633 on:** March 03, 2009, 17:18:29 »

Ha Ha lol just lol!

TerryRussell · « **Reply #634 on:** March 03, 2009, 21:20:51 »

Why do some men prefer guns to Spambot?

1) You can trade in your old 44 for a new 22. No messy divorce.

2) You can get a silencer for a gun.

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #635 on:** March 03, 2009, 21:23:36 »

Watch your weight, the doc told that madam. Now she can't find the scale.
BTW, love your new atavar, Terry

Gloat · « **Reply #636 on:** March 03, 2009, 22:43:20 »

This blonde,brunette and a redhead are escaping from jail. The redhead jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells "Who's out there?" The redhead says"meow""Oh it's just a cat" The brunette jumps over the wall and lands with a THUMP. The guard yells"who's out there? The brunette says"meow." "Oh it's just that darn cat, get lost you stupid thing." Then the blonde jumps over and lands with a THUMP."Who's out there?" "The blonde yells "It's just that darn cat".

Gloat · « **Reply #637 on:** March 03, 2009, 22:48:49 »

One day as a blonde was walking along the shore of a huge lake.
She spotted another blonde on the opposite shore.
She cupped her hands together and shouted "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde cupped her hands together and shouted "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!"

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #638 on:** March 04, 2009, 10:33:22 »

WALKING THE DOG
A Spambot was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her seeing-eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost a n hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady said, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing-eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...

TerryRussell · « **Reply #639 on:** March 04, 2009, 20:12:53 »

Q. How much do pirates pay for their earrings?

A. A Buccaneer

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #640 on:** March 04, 2009, 20:48:42 »

Terry's new kind of Transportation

(Yes, I know it's off Topic, just couldn't resist)

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #641 on:** March 04, 2009, 21:00:48 »

I know, I asked for it, but now, please back to topic, that's J O K E S

Ncena1 · « **Reply #642 on:** March 04, 2009, 21:35:25 »

nice one there

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #643 on:** March 05, 2009, 10:39:20 »

A Russian spy in Wales

A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today."

Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village.

He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?"

"I am."

"The tulips are blooming well today."

Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.

"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."

Agent|Austin · « **Reply #644 on:** March 05, 2009, 10:44:36 »

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #645 on:** March 05, 2009, 15:01:17 »

Counter-measure (if I could find the key)

CaptainMike1 · « **Reply #646 on:** March 05, 2009, 17:32:57 »

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French Spambot and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French Spambot looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the Spambot with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French Spambot wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The Spambot shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

saltydog · « **Reply #647 on:** March 05, 2009, 19:25:24 »

good one..

Aad The Pirate · « **Reply #648 on:** March 05, 2009, 20:33:53 »

So we're on the dog section now? OK, her's another one

TerryRussell · « **Reply #649 on:** March 05, 2009, 23:46:13 »

Is it me or we had both those already? Or maybe they were in some other posts. Maybe there are only so many jokes in the worlkd and we've used them all. I hope not!

Still very funny, though.

Author Topic: Joke of the day (Read 839354 times)

firestar12

TerryRussell

TerryRussell

TerryRussell