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Author Topic: Joke of the day  (Read 839366 times)

jim.smith

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #675 on: March 10, 2009, 14:45:01 »

Where do you get them from Mike ;D :thumbs:
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #676 on: March 10, 2009, 14:45:48 »

Great eh!!

Now Japanese jokes!!

A: 昨日鎌倉でおしゃれなBambooの箸を売ってる店があったよ~
B: へ~~それで?何か買った?
A:なんにも~Bambooの箸は5000円もするんだ!これタケ~~~なと思った!
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #677 on: March 10, 2009, 14:56:19 »

Drive safely
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ABCRic

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #678 on: March 10, 2009, 18:57:34 »

The only thing to say is, well, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
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IRI5HJ4CK

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #679 on: March 10, 2009, 20:43:26 »

Is this what its coming to? :lol:
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Kind Regards,
Jack.

RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #680 on: March 10, 2009, 21:21:44 »

unfortunatly jack it has come to that :lol: :lol:
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #681 on: March 11, 2009, 11:53:07 »

Time for a Russian joke!!

The passenger cabin of an aircraft. A voice announces over the intercom:

'Spambot and Gentlemen, we welcome you on board the world's first fully automated intercontinental airliner which was built by Soviet aeronautical engineers.

'We will be flying at ten thousand metres with a cruising speed of five thousand kilometres an hour.

There are no pilots on board the aircraft and no service personnel.

It is entirely controlled by electronics.

All the instruments are working normally . . . working normally . . . working normally . . . working normally . . .'

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #682 on: March 11, 2009, 21:29:38 »

Do you know the difference between Courage and Swank?

Courage: You come drunk home in the middle of the night, your wife awaits you with a broom, and you ask her: "Are you still cleaning up or are you planning for a late flight?"  :evil:



Swank: You come home drunk in the middle of the night, surrounded by a cloud of perfume, lipstick all over your shirt. You pat your wifes bottom and say: "So, honey, you're next".  :evil: :evil:
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #683 on: March 12, 2009, 00:04:26 »

Trying to Surrender


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An American spy is dropped by parachute on to Soviet territory. He immediately decides to give himself up. He makes it to a town, finds the appropriate organization and goes up to the doorman:

'Listen, friend, I'm an American spy and I want to give myself up. Who should I see?'

'Second Floor, Room 218,' replies the doorman.

The spy gets to Room 218.

'I'm an American spy. I want to give myself up.'

'What's your area, sabotage, terrorism or ideology?'

'Sabotage,' replies the spy.

'Then you've come to the wrong place. Go to Room 613 on the sixth floor.'

The spy gets to Room 613.

I'm an American spy specializing in sabotage. I want to give myself up.'

'Did you specialize in transport or industrial targets?'

Transport,' replies the spy.

'Well that's the seventh floor, Room 742.'

The spy gets to Room 742.

'I'm an American spy specializing in the sabotage of transport. I wish to give myself up.'

'What kind of transport, road or railway?'

'Railway,' replies the spy.

'Then you've come to the wrong place. Room 936, ninth floor.'

The spy gets to Room 936.

'I'm an American spy specializing in the sabotage of rail transport. I wish to give myself up.'

'Look here, Comrade, don't you see that it's six o'clock? We've finished interviewing for today. Come back tomorrow . . .'

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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #684 on: March 12, 2009, 17:21:34 »

Courageous Sailors


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The war was over! The allied armies were celebrating! The admiral of the American fleet invited on board the Russian and English admirals. After the banquet they began talking about courage.

'Our sailors are afraid of nothing,' said the American admiral, 'they are prepared to go through fire and water.'

They decided to put this to the test. The American admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive into the sea.'

The sailor reddened with rage, but saluted, climbed up the mast and jumped. They dragged him out of the water barely alive.

'Fantastic!' said the Soviet admiral. 'Gentlemen, I insist that tomorrow you be my guests at dinner.'

The next day the same company gathered on board a Soviet ship. After the banquet the Soviet admiral summoned a sailor and ordered him: 'Shin up that forty-metre mast and dive headfirst on to the deck.'

The sailor turned pale, saluted, climbed the mast and flung himself on to the deck. There was nothing left of him.

'Well, gentlemen,' said the English admiral, 'it must be my turn now. I invite you to dine on board my ship tomorrow.'

After the banquet the English admiral summoned a sailor and said: 'Would you mind awfully shinnying up that forty-metre mast and diving down the funnel.'

The sailor turned green with fury.

'Yes I would, sir, and get lost, sir!'

"The English admiral shrugged his shoulders and turned to his colleagues: 'You see, gentlemen, there is more than one kind of courage.'

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #685 on: March 13, 2009, 15:10:50 »

Fitness programme for Senior Citiziens

If you're above 50, you better start easy.
Do it faster every time as your experience growth.
For some people it could be to heavy, so to be safe council your dokter first.

NOW SCROLL DOWN  ...




























































NOW SCROLL UP AGAIN..

Oké, that's enough for today.

Reward yourself with a beer or a wine.
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #686 on: March 13, 2009, 17:13:57 »

LOL!!

Another Russian one:

Potato Duty
_____________________________________________________________________________
Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.

In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.

Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #687 on: March 13, 2009, 17:31:11 »

There was that Dutch girl, planning to make a car-trip through Great Brittain. The guy at the travel agency: "Pay attention to the British traffic, be aware that you have to drive on the LEFT side of the road".
A few weks later the girl retuns to the agency complete with crutches, plastered leg etc. "I want to cancel that car trip" she said.
"And what's the reason?" the agent asks.
"Well," said the girl, "it's about that LEFT side driving. I practiced it here in Amsterdam, and I don't like it at all!"

(Image looks disturbed, just click)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #688 on: March 13, 2009, 17:33:21 »

HeHe

Now an Italian one:

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #689 on: March 13, 2009, 17:57:35 »

LSHTTARDML
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #690 on: March 13, 2009, 17:58:37 »

Que?

Googled it!!

Stands for

Laughing So Hard The Tears Are Running Down My Leg
« Last Edit: March 13, 2009, 18:02:26 by CaptainMike1 »
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #691 on: March 13, 2009, 18:53:01 »

A police patrol  :police: spots a car, 11:30 pm. On the front seat sits a young man, reading a comic-book. On the back seat ther's a young girl, knitting if her life depends on it.
"What are you guys doing?" is the first question of the policeman. "Well," says the boy, "I'm reading a comic-book. Is there a law against that?" "And what is she doing?" is the next question. "As far as I can tell, she's knitting a sweater", replies the boy. Still not satisfied: "And how old are you, young man?" "I'm 22 years old." "OK, and what is the age of the young lady?" "She will become 18 in about 26 minutes!"  :evil: 
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matt5674

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #692 on: March 14, 2009, 04:19:07 »

Now that is just funny! the girl in back was like a senior lady who justs knits like she will die soon. but she is 17 to 18 years old! ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #693 on: March 14, 2009, 10:56:27 »

LSHTTARDML
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #694 on: March 14, 2009, 11:10:34 »

You remember Popeye the sailorman? (if not see pic 1)
And guess what? I found a picture of his mum  ;D (pic 2)
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #695 on: March 14, 2009, 17:34:42 »

A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian Spambot happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #696 on: March 14, 2009, 23:54:37 »

Manual for Spambot to understand man:

"For a good relationship it's sometimes expedient to understand what we think, how we think and how we function. You can take this serious, or you don't.

This lines came from a Spambot.

Here is the manual: "WE MAN EXPLAIN IT ONE MORE TIME"

"Be a big girl and understand the operation of a toilet seat (the open part that is). If it's up, just put it down. For us it must be up, for you it must be down. We have as many rights as you to state that "it was in the wrong position, again". Let's stop argue about that.
 
Your birthday, weddingday, mothersday must not be an endless queste to find that one, ideal gift for you.
Sometimes we just forget about it. Learn to handle it!

Soccer, pool and what other sport there may be on TV is always more important than any soap.

Cut your hair? Don't. Ever. Long hair is always prettier than short hair. Man are afraid for marriage because married Spambot start cutting their hair at once and we have to look at that short rathead for the rest of our married life.

Shopping isn't a nice pastime, and that's final.

To cry is and always will be blackmail.

Speak up your mind. Let's be very clear about that. Casual hints don't work, obvious hints don't work, crystalclear hints don't work. Silent hints we don't understand. Just tell us what you want.

A guy has three pair of shoes. TOP. How can you think that we are any help to you to find just THAT pair of your thirty pairs that fit with just that one dress.

Yes and No are perect answers to almost any question.

Share your problems with us only when you search for a solution. That's how we are, we fix problems.

For symphatie you have your girlfriends.

What we said six month ago is not valid in todays discussion. Even worse: every statement a week old or older is void in every meaning of the word.

Yes, you have your household on the rails, everything is spic and span. This statement is valid for the next twenty years. Don't ask about it anymore. We just don't see it.

Don't nag about weightwatching if you can't stop stuff yourself. If you thing you're fat, you're probable are. Don't ask us about our opinion about it. In the future we refuse any answer to that question.

If a statement can be ment in two different ways and that one way dosn't suite you, than we ment the other possibility.

Let us ogle. We are peekers, if you like it or not. It's in our gens.
 
Ask us to do something for you, or tell us how you want it be done. But understand  that those two things don't match. If you think you know it better than do it yourself. Christopher Colombus didn't need directions, so don't we.
 
Man can see 16 colours only. Try your screenproperties how that looks. Peach is for us man just fruit, we don't have any idea what 'mauve' means, what 'living white' is, and we don't have any idea of the meaning of the word 'Cobalt-blue' .

If we ask if there is something wrong, and you denie it than we know that you, most of the time, lie, but we leave it that way because we don't like the hubbub. If we ask if there's something wrong and you denie than there is nothing wrong. Accept it.

If you ask a question but you will not know the answer, then you can count on it that you get an answer you wouldn't hear.

If we're going out, the outfit you're wearing right now is pefectly allright. Really.

Yes, you HAVE something to wear.

If you ask a question and we don't react it dosn't mean yes. So don't hold us to it. We're just not listening.
 
Yes, we always love beer, like you love handbags.

Spambot cause less accidents in traffic. Congratulations. Do we trust you behind the wheel? NO WAY, accept it.

And finally: My belly is round. Round is a shape. So, I'm in shape"
 
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CaptainMike1

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #697 on: March 15, 2009, 11:10:04 »

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest.
- "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic."
- "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin."
- "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed."
- "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
- "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question."
- "What is it son."
- "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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RMSGreatBritain

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #698 on: March 15, 2009, 12:06:23 »

ha ha lol! very good!
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Aad The Pirate

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Re: Joke of the day
« Reply #699 on: March 15, 2009, 21:50:52 »

That poor doggie. Must have a deathwish  :evil:
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