Joke of the day

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[CaptainMike1]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica     â€“ where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
 
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

[danny]

Cap, do you think submarines are safer than airplanes ?

Captain: I think in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!

[saltydog]

A multi-national company held a reception to celebrate Christmas. The waiter gave each guest a glass of champagne, but on inspection, each guest noticed that their glass contained a fly.
 

....and what about the Dutch?  

The Dutchman angrily called for the waiter and demanded:
 "Waiter!, what is that fly doing in my champagne?"
 The waiter glanced at the glass, and without batting an eye calmly replied: "I believe the backstroke, sir"..

[VirtualSkipper]

The Dutchman angrily called for the waiter and demanded:
 "Waiter!, what is that fly doing in my champagne?"
 The waiter glanced at the glass, and without batting an eye calmly replied: "I believe the backstroke, sir"..

 

[CaptainMike1]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce

toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the

pre-Christmas pressure.



Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which

stressed Santa even more.



When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were

about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,

Heaven knows where.



Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,

the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.



Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a

shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had

drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he

accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of

little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the

broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the

broom.



Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the

door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big

Christmas tree.



The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a

lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me

to stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

tree.

[CaptainMike1]

Life in the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south
west of Queensland )


Dear Mum & Dad

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot
Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's
backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last
year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't
have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once
like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
 I can't complain  about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter

Susan

[1J1]

The following joke is about as simple as "Oops! "


http://www.shipspotting.com/gallery/photo.php?lid=1009391

[Snakebyte92]

The following joke is about as simple as "Oops! "


http://www.shipspotting.com/gallery/photo.php?lid=1009391

Haha. I think someone forgot the stability curves.. 

[clanky]

Note to deck officers...

BENDING MOMENTS MATTER!

[Traddles]

Note to engineer officers, "We know."   Happy New Year Clanky.
I once had to load grain in Paranagua, Brazil for shipment to the U.S.S.R. In order to get out of the port, (For which the Admiralty Tide tables give no predictions.) I had to load to a totally even keel and was faced with having to leave one hold completely empty to achieve that condition at the maximum safe draft. The bending moments were very close to the limit as we cleared the bar, but I was able to fill the ballast tank under the empty hold once we were clear. Nasty one that. Ain't life grand.

Angus.

[Rbsanford]

dishwasher at McDonald's. 

my advisory teacher used that as an example of a dead-end job.

[clanky]

Happy new year to you too Angus, hope your festivities were slightly more festive than mine, which were spent in the engine control room monitoring a suspected economiser fire, which was spewing sparks all over the cargo as they partied on the aft end!

Luckily the problem turned out to be a dodgy fuel injector which is probably just as well, can you imagine trying to abandon a passenger ship at 0100 on 1st January?

[Rbsanford]

wait... clanky works on a ship? which one?

[dexter7]

You've got to be kidding me, right? Even I know that!

[Stuart2007]

Happy new year to you too Angus, hope your festivities were slightly more festive than mine, which were spent in the engine control room monitoring a suspected economiser fire, which was spewing sparks all over the cargo as they partied on the aft end!

Luckily the problem turned out to be a dodgy fuel injector which is probably just as well, can you imagine trying to abandon a passenger ship at 0100 on 1st January?

ECONOMISER fire???

One of my new apprentices tried to play about with an injector and didn't bolt it down properly in the test rig; when he fired it it caught his watch and came close to taking his hand with it. Now that's just an injector for a 6l diesel; I'd love to see someone muck about with the injector for a large marine diesel; 

[clanky]

ECONOMISER fire???

We use the exhaust gas from the main engines to heat water to make steam, this way we save burning fuel in the boilers, the exhaust gas boilers are known as economisers.  If they get too clogged with soot or unburnt fuel / carbon residue it's possible that this can catch fire which can then result in a fire so hot that the steel tubes of the economiser burst allowing steam onto an already very hot fire, the steam, reacting with the carbon in these high temperatures can actually disassociate into hydrogen and oxygen, at which point the best thing to do is run away.

Luckily in this case it was just a dodgy injector causing the sparks.

[Rbsanford]

can we get back to jokes now please?

[sydmichel]

¿What do you call a Boomerrang that doesn´t come back?








A stick!

[Rbsanford]

ha ha

awww, i had this perfect joke but i just forgot it!

[Snakebyte92]

That's a good one! 

[sydmichel]

¿What´s brown and sticky?




A stick!

[CaptainMike1]

¿What´s brown and sticky?




A stick!

What about a white stick?

[Stuart2007]

We use the exhaust gas from the main engines to heat water to make steam, this way we save burning fuel in the boilers, the exhaust gas boilers are known as economisers.  If they get too clogged with soot or unburnt fuel / carbon residue it's possible that this can catch fire which can then result in a fire so hot that the steel tubes of the economiser burst allowing steam onto an already very hot fire, the steam, reacting with the carbon in these high temperatures can actually disassociate into hydrogen and oxygen, at which point the best thing to do is run away.

Luckily in this case it was just a dodgy injector causing the sparks.

Thanks Clanky. I was familiar with the idea, but hadn't heard it called that before.

[Captain Cadet]

ECONOMISER fire???

One of my new apprentices tried to play about with an injector and didn't bolt it down properly in the test rig; when he fired it it caught his watch and came close to taking his hand with it. Now that's just an injector for a 6l diesel; I'd love to see someone muck about with the injector for a large marine diesel; 

yea
did he have to go to hosbital?

[Rbsanford]

What about a white stick?

... well i guess that would be white and sticky.

whats big and brown and sticky?


a bigger stick.