Joke of the day

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[IRI5HJ4CK]

Revenge of the mouse...

[Aad The Pirate]

This one is for those people who can still remember the Stone-Age of computers. Meaning the Commodore 64.
(click on the blue square)

[firestar12]

This one is for those people who can still remember the Stone-Age of computers. Meaning the Commodore 64.
(click on the blue square)

Very funny...lol. THat must have been a modern-day mac with a comment like that and that much ram. hehe...

[TerryRussell]

This is not that funny but here we go.

Well that cheered me up!

No, wait! It didn't. JOKES go here...

[CaptainMike1]

This is not that funny but here we go.

If that's what makes you laugh in Antartica then it's no wonder that normal people don't live there!!!

[Person264]

There's a similar story to that in The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series, but I forget which book

[saltydog]

It could be a scene from a movie..

[Master Captain]

heres another blond joke

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[Aad The Pirate]

Blonde, You said? OK, here's another one.
A blonde driver was stopped for speeding by a blonde Traffic Warden.
The warden asked her for her drivers license. "What is a drivers license?", the blonde replied. The warden replied: "Well, that square thing with Your image on it." So, the blonde searched her purse and took out a make-up mirror and gave that to the warden. The warden glanced at the mirror, gave it back to the blonde and said: "Why didn't You tell me that You're a Traffic Warden too? Then all this wasn't be necessary. Have a nice day."

[CaptainMike1]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officer said the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?"

[RMSGreatBritain]

He he, good one

[Gloat]

MH1, Edited by Terry - If I see any more bad attitude here, I will get uncharacteristically cross!

Quote - If you cant say anything nice, be quiet!


About ships -as this is ship sim
Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

And another:

A man was dining at a 5 star restaurant when he found a rat in the salad. The man screamed AAAAH! The water said Please! Sir! don't shout or wave it! the others will want one too!

[CaptainMike1]

Microsoft buys Christmas

NORTH POLE - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 2000, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognised that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of our new Office suite and Windows NT V.5.0."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organisation. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 2000. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MSN will get sneak previews of Christmas[2000] as early as November first."

Christmas 2000 is scheduled for release in December of 2000, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 2001. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the regaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

[Gloat]

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

[Aad The Pirate]

No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).

[TerryRussell]

I love it Aad!   

[Minime]

No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).

That doesn't work, my humour hasn't improved a bit

[CaptainMike1]

No comment on this one (as usual, click to animate).

Hehehe, works a treat!!

[Aad The Pirate]

   My husband found this one somewhere…
  I just can’t help – makes me laugh-out-loud every time I see it …
 
        

Her's a Christmas variation
 
 

[CaptainMike1]

Nice one Aad

 


Something old:

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass which I drank. Extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it with the exception of the one glass which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink which I drank
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottle and sinks with the other which were twenty-nine, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle , which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker stand here the longer I get. Oh, me

 

[TerryRussell]

[thud]

Loved it, Mike!

Snow wander eye drink sew mush.

 

[CaptainMike1]

Festive one:

[CaptainMike1]

hillairous!

Keep laughing, here's another:

[CaptainMike1]

And another:

[CaptainMike1]

An Internet Christmas:

T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.


The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"