Step one: COLORS
Be sure to use a vivid and bright background color, and a non-noticeable text color. Nothing wakes people wake up more than a florescent yellow background with white text. Make people work to try to read your website. After all, you have some great content ad you don't want to just give it away. People should have to strain to read what you have to say. Light purple text on hot pink background works good too.
Step two: Javascript is your friend
Some people like using javascript for awesome eye-candy effects and even ajax so their users won't have to reload the page, but this type of javascript is very difficult. Why slave over this when you can do simple things such as change the size of links when you hover over them. Alerts are great too. They are super easy and get the attention of your users.
Step three: ADs! ADs! ADs!
You worked hard on your website, why not profit from it. Google ads are OK, but people like more than text. They want images and flash. But even better than images is sound. Ads that talk to your visitors while they are surfing the web get their attention and distract them from what they are doing making your visitors more likely to click on them. Also be sure to put ads that make users feel special: Tell them they are the 1000th visitor to the website and they won an iPod or something. Nothing makes your visitors want to come back than false gratification.
Step four: MSIE ONLY!
MSIE may not be the best browser in the world, but more people use it than the decent browsers. You should format your website only for IE users. Even if your website looks the same in a decent browser make sure you use a javascript to stop the users trying to use firefox or opera. Tell them to use internet explorer instead, this way you don't have to bother with non-compatibility issues later.
Step five: LoP stands for Lots of Popups!
Nothing reminds people of your website more than having to close tons of popups, and pop-unders after they leave your site. Remember: Your goal is to keep your website in their minds. They'll never come back unless they remember your site!
Step six: Use java!
Java is great. It makes great navigational buttons. Not only does it limit your website only to those who have java installed, but it takes a while to load. Your visitors need some time to look at your website, while the navigation buttons load.
Step seven: Frames
Frames are great if you want to keep a certain layout while changing the content. Php can do this too, but your visitors don't need a php site when frames will work just fine. Huge borders around the frames work great too. People want to see where your frames start and where they end.
Step eight: Don't register top level domain names
Top level domain names cost money, plus they really don't do anything for you. Save the money and use a free sub domain or try to mask it with a .tk or .co.nr. Trust me people like the extra ads these solutions ad to your site.
Step nine: Music
Why bore your visitors with silence when you visit the website. Have some music playing. But you don't want your load time to be affected by this, so use MIDI songs, they are much smaller in size. Your visitors will no longer be bored!
AND FINALY
Step ten: Advertise your site
Alright so now you've got the worst website ever, so now how are you going to get users to come to your website? Be sure to spam random message boards with the links to your website. The admins will be honored that you chose their forums to advertise your website on. Go into IRC channels and post the link. Email all of your friends about your new website and perhaps start a chain letter (Add "Forward this to 10 people or a polar bear will come out of your nose and rape you" at the bottom of the message).
After doing these easy ten steps you can be the proud owner of a truly effective website.
